I had a huge awakening today. Yeppers. I did.
I was thinking about my writing, and my website, and my mothering, and wondering why, even with all the practice I’ve been doing, I can’t be more like the Moms from some of my favorite websites. I was wondering why I can’t write more like them, wax poetic, sound calm, never lose it with my kid, and be a touching voice of encouragement in the world.
Is it because the posts are amazing? I imagine that’s part of it.
Is it envy of all the comments? Maybe a little.
Is it lust for their traffic. Well there is that, but I don’t think that’s what makes me cry.
More than any of that, and this is the awakening I mentioned earlier, I realized I have always wanted to be the mom they seem to be (from reading their posts in my limited view). The awakening was, understanding I never would be. The tears come from knowing I will never be THAT mom and, subconsciously feeling guilty about it.
I had a friend, way back in the day, I think we met at a mommy meetup. She was mellow, and calm, and pulled together. Her voice as smooth as as an NPR host. She never yelled… hell she never even seemed to get flustered.
Quite frankly I hated hanging out with her. I never felt quite adequate. I’m a loud talker, and it’s worse when I get excited (which is often, about a lot of things). I move fast, make bold moves. I yell when my kid is in danger (physically or risking her life by pushing me to the breaking point). I, for some reason, felt she was a “better” mom than I was. I’m not sure what makes me believe being a quiet, soothing, nonplussed mom is better, but I did… heck I still do most days.
The things is… I’ve got a spirited kid. She is bold. She is intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, hates change, and her first response to anything/everything… is no.
It takes a bold and feisty mom to help a kid like that learn to move through the world with ease and grace, kindness and compassion.
My mom tells me often… “I don’t know how you do it. I could never have raised a kid like her”.
And I’m pretty sure that’s true. I’m also pretty sure that my kiddo chose me, because I am the perfect mom for her. She didn’t choose an NPR mom because that’s not the kind of mom she needs.
She needs someone who can be down and dirty and loud and proud, and teach her how to manage big emotions because she’s spent the last 44 years learning how to do it herself. She needs someone who, at times, is reactive and has learned to manage it (kind of). She needs someone who, at times, can be mouthy… and has (mostly) learned to manage it and control it in certain circumstances.
She needs someone who’s ready, willing and able to accept her for who she is, because she’s been working on doing those things for herself her whole life. She needs a mom who doesn’t expect or need her to be docile and easy going, because she knows that’s just not who she is. She needs a mom who wants her to be herself, and grow up feeling comfortable in her own skin, no matter how loud. 😉
Yes, I’m on a journey to be more patient, and practice kindness, and compassion… and those are all skills I hope to teach my kiddo through example. I love my daily practices… they make me feel good, and peaceful, and still they make me no less of a feisty mom when it comes down to it. And that’s ok. Feisty is who I am. It’s what makes me me. It’s also what makes me an awesome mom.
The next time you read one of the amazing posts written by two of my favorite bloggers… enjoy the post, let it help you feel better if you need it in the moment, but don’t let it, not even for one tiny moment, make you think being a feisty mom isn’t just as amazing.