It went on for almost 2 hours. There was cajoling, begging, pleading, some pushing and even a little bullying, sad to say. It went a little something like this, the conversation in my head.
“You said you wanted to work out.”
“Yeah, I do. I want to feel sexy, and strong and healthy.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Yeah, but, I don’t want to be yelled at while I’m working out. I don’t want to be made to feel not good enough.”
“Oh, come on. That’s motivating. That will keep you moving toward your goal. You want to reach your goal don’t you?”
“Yeah, but I want to feel good while I’m doing it. I don’t want to get all obsessive about macro nutrients again. I want to enjoy food… real food.”
“If you want to lose weight and gain muscle you’ve got to go hard, grind it out. You can do it.”
“I want to feel sexy again… and losing weight and gaining muscle will make me feel sexy. Yes, I probably can do it. Ok. Let’s get the workout loaded. Yeah, no. I can’t do this. This doesn’t feel good at all. I’ve got a knot in my stomach. This is not how I want to feel. I don’t really believe I have to torture myself, lose weight, gain muscle, get back on the roller coaster to feel sexy.”
“Come on girl. Stop being a wussy. If you want results you’ve got to work for them. Get your workout clothes on and let’s GO. NOW. I’m not messing around. You said you were going to do this and by God we’re going to do it.”
“Ok. Ok. It’s what worked in the past, so it must be what works. Let’s do it.”
Literally 20 seconds into the WARM UP I thought I was going to die.
I sat in a chair, staring at the paused Black Fire workout on the computer. I looked at the tight, young, hip, hot, strong girls modeling the workout right behind Bob Harper. I started to giggle.
Who am I kidding? I am so FAR away from that… this is ridiculous to even attempt. I’m gonna end up hurting myself lol.
I looked back through the workout program available on Daily Burn and clicked on True Beginner. I’d given it the old heave ho back in that two hours of internal dialogue I’d had with the inner bully this morning. I don’t want to be a true beginner. I don’t want to start at the beginning again. I want to be a strong, sexy woman who can do Burpees for minutes at a time, who can warm up with squats and hold them… did I mention that was the warm up?!
But… here’s the thing. I’m not that person, right now. It’s been years (literally) since I’ve worked out regularly. I am so far out of shape, I’m not sure what shape I’m supposed to be. But this year I’ve decided to love myself, accept myself. I’ve decided to STOP WAITING until to wear all the cute things and do the fun things. Today is the day. Today I will feel good. Today I will feel sexy… no matter how many burpees I can (or can’t) do. I will do what I can do today to feel how I want to feel.
I’ve decided to love myself, accept myself. I’ve decided to STOP WAITING until to wear all the cute things and do the fun things. Today is the day. Today I will feel good. Today I will feel sexy… no matter how many burpees I can (or can’t) do. I will do what I can do today to feel how I want to feel.
So I turned on True Beginning… still brushing off a few straggling feelings of inadequacy. Instead of hot models I was faced with an older woman, a larger woman and a larger man modelling the workout behind the instructor. I’ll tell you, at first it made it even worse. (“Shit, I can’t even do the workout with the hot people… I’m stuck here.”). Then the coach opened his mouth. He told me to spread my arms out and let my heart shine. Whatever negative feelings I was wrapped in melted away. He was gentle, and kind, and everything I needed in a coach for my first workout.
I finished the workout sweaty, sore, and tired. I felt good. I knew immediately I was in the right place and I’d be back tomorrow for another round. I started planning how I would be able to fit it in during a very busy day… and thoughts came up like I can just get up early. HA. That’s never happened before. I looked forward to a little snack, and making lunch… something light, and delicious (using my new Vegetti of course lol), and not stressing and obsessing about how many grams of carbs, fats, and protein I was getting. I felt good.
If I’d put myself through the torture of a cross fitesque workout I would not have been back again… not for a long time. This much I know.
I can not do Tabata workouts, burpees for minutes at a time, I am a beginner. I am ok with that. Each day is a new opportunity to move toward your dreams, to do something that feels good, and the beginning is the best place to start.
Walking up the stairs today I’m feeling the burn… and it reminds me, wherever I’m going in life, I can get there the way I want, feeling the way I want, as long as I hold myself to that standard, and don’t allow myself to be held hostage by the bully in my mind. Today it was a close call… but in the end, love and feeling good won.